Dear The Onion, Your review of The Avengers movie is completely off base. Jeremy Renner totally nailed Hawkeye. Jeff Hauser, Hermiston, OR Mary Kennedy, who married Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in 1994, was found dead in an outbuilding of the family property in Bedford, N.Y. Bicycle-Riding Circus Bear Pedals Back To Natural Habitat The Onion looks back at Alabama's first desegregated mass suicide, the historic V.E. Day Speech from FDR's rotting corpse, and the completion of the transcontinental railroad with the gold-plated femur of a Chinaman. Spurs, Celtics Begin Stiff-Legged Lurch to the Finals Getting Grandma Into Family Reunion T-Shirt A 3-Person Job After two marriages to other people, James Palmenteri, 38, and Valerie Skinner, 35, have decided to waste their friends and family’s time, once again, this Saturday. Hedge funds and other investors taking advantage of JPMorgan Chase’s distress have fueled faster deterioration in the underlying credit market positions held by the bank. People genetically prone to higher levels of HDL, often called “good cholesterol,” showed that they did not have any significant decrease in risk of cardiovascular disease. Both candidates and their allies are pouring money into commercials to win over voters who might not be paying much attention. The New York Times reports that a MacBook Air one-to-one program is helping raise student attendance, engagement, and performance at North Carolina’s Mooresville Graded School District, which “has quietly emerged as the de facto national model of the digital school.” The article notes, “Mooresville ranks 100th out of 115 districts in North Carolina in terms of dollars spent per student — $7,415.89 a year — but it is now third in test scores and second in graduation rates.” LeBron James Only Person In Arena Chanting 'MVP' New York Times writer Brian X. Chen reports that Amtrak is replacing its old manual ticketing system with iPhone, noting that the company is among the “growing number of businesses” to use iOS devices to improve operations. Chen reports that the system will allow conductors to keep track of passengers in real time and also provide updates to railway staff, such as if a disabled person is getting on at a particular stop or if equipment fails. Amtrak’s Matt Hardison says, “We’ve made a number of important improvements for both our customers and Amtrak, all in one fell swoop.” FileMaker, Inc. today announced the release of the FileMaker 12 database software line — including FileMaker Pro 12, FileMaker Go 12, and FileMaker Server 12 — which offers powerful new ways to create custom database apps for iPad, iPhone, Mac, Windows, and the web. New professionally designed themes and the ability to customize every detail make it easy to create databases for managing contacts, projects, digital content, and more. All FileMaker 12 products are available starting today. In his review of the new iPad, AllThingsD’s Walt Mossberg describes viewing the Retina display as “like getting a new eyeglasses prescription — you suddenly realize what you thought looked sharp before wasn’t nearly as sharp as it could be.” He praises the performance of the iPad as “buttery smooth,” and he writes that he “loves” the photos he took with the new 5-megapixel camera. Mossberg concludes, “Since it launched in 2010, the iPad has been the best tablet on the planet. With the new, third-generation model, it still holds that crown.” President Bashar al-Assad of Syria said in an interview broadcast Wednesday that he faced no real domestic opposition in the 15-month-old uprising against him. Ed Baig of USA Today reviews the new iPad and declares that it “snatches the crown from its predecessor as the finest tablet you can buy. Period.” Baig calls the new Retina display “spectacular” and points out that the screen is “sharper than your high-definition television.” He also lauds the built-in battery, which allowed him to use it for an entire day without recharging. And he points out that Apple “continues to claim a huge advantage over Android and other tablet rivals” with its apps ecosystem. The new iPad — the third generation of the category-defining mobile device — arrived at Apple’s Retail Stores and the Apple Online Store on Friday, March 16 at 8:00 a.m. local time in the US, Australia, Canada, France, Germany, Hong Kong, Japan, Singapore, Switzerland, and the UK; along with Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands. Beginning at a suggested retail price of $499 (US), the new iPad features a stunning Retina display, Apple’s A5X chip with quad-core graphics, and a 5-megapixel iSight camera with advanced optics for capturing amazing photos and 1080p HD video. And iPad 2 is now available at a more affordable price, starting at just $399. NEW YORK—New York Yankees shortstop and eventual first-ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter admitted to reporters Monday that the only reason he plays baseball with effort, modesty, and reverence to those who played before him is because it gets him all... The same degenerative brain disease found in football players and boxers has been found in veterans exposed to roadside bombs, a finding with potentially profound implications. By Terrance Hanley