Hedge funds and other investors taking advantage of JPMorgan Chase’s distress have fueled faster deterioration in the underlying credit market positions held by the bank. County Fair Judges Blown Away By Local Heifer National Geographic magazine reports that ski-mountaineer Hilaree O’Neill — a member of its 2012 Everest expedition — will follow the same route Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay did in 1953, but with an iPad and iPhone in her backpack. iPad gives O’Neill a journaling device with a solid-state data storage drive usable at altitudes where spinning hard disk drives have been known to fail. And with cell service available even on Everest’s summit, she’ll use an iPhone 4S to stay in touch instead of a cumbersome walkie-talkie. NEW YORK—New York Yankees shortstop and eventual first-ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter admitted to reporters Monday that the only reason he plays baseball with effort, modesty, and reverence to those who played before him is because it gets him all... According to a study published in the journal Psychological Science, repeating positive affirmations like "I am a lovable person" makes depressed people feel worse. HERSHEY, PA—Hershey's, the American confectionery giant behind such treats as Hershey's Kisses, Twizzlers, and the Symphony chocolate bar, announced Tuesday that it had run out of candy and would cease operations immediately. Apple today announced it has sold three million new iPad devices since its launch on Friday, March 16. “The new iPad is a blockbuster with three million sold ― the strongest iPad launch yet,” said Philip Schiller, Apple’s senior vice president of Worldwide Marketing. Apple today introduced the new iPad — the third generation of its category-defining mobile device — featuring a stunning new Retina display, Apple’s new A5X chip with quad-core graphics, and a 5-megapixel iSight camera with advanced optics for capturing incredible photos and 1080p HD video. iPad with Wi-Fi + 4G connects to fast networks worldwide, including AT&T’s and Verizon’s 4G LTE networks, and still delivers the same all-day 10-hour battery life while remaining amazingly thin and light. The new iPad will be available in black or white through the Apple Online Store and in Apple Retail stores on Friday, March 16, beginning at $499 (US). Customers can begin pre-ordering their new iPad today on the Apple Online Store. Also beginning today, iPad 2 will be offered at an even more affordable price, starting at just $399 (US). President Bashar al-Assad of Syria said in an interview broadcast Wednesday that he faced no real domestic opposition in the 15-month-old uprising against him. The Republican bill differs from the Senate’s version in protections for many battered women, including lesbians, American Indians and illegal immigrants, Democrats say. People genetically prone to higher levels of HDL, often called “good cholesterol,” showed that they did not have any significant decrease in risk of cardiovascular disease. Apple today announced the new Apple TV featuring 1080p HD programming, including iTunes movies and TV shows, Netflix, Vimeo, photos, and more. The new Apple TV features a simpler, refined user interface, making it easier than ever to access your purchased movies, TV shows, and music with iTunes Match right from iCloud. With AirPlay, users can stream or mirror their favorite content from their iPad or iPhone 4S to Apple TV. And with iTunes in the Cloud, customers can purchase and play their favorite movies and TV shows from the iTunes Store and watch them instantly on their HDTV. Apple TV will be available on Friday, March 16 for a suggested retail price of $99 (US) through the Apple Online Store and Apple Retail Stores. Apple today announced that more than 25 billion apps have been downloaded from its revolutionary App Store by users of the more than 315 million iPhone, iPad, and iPod touch devices worldwide. The 25 billionth app — a free version of “Where’s My Water?” — was downloaded by Chunli Fu of Qingdao, China. As the winner of the App Store Countdown to 25 Billion Apps, Chunli Fu will receive a $10,000 iTunes Gift Card. Saying the New York Police Department seemed to have little regard for constitutional rights, a judge provided possible legal recourse for hundreds of thousands of people. Bloomberg’s Peter Burrows reports that Apple is making rapid headway selling into corporations — especially financial services and pharmaceutical firms. Burrows writes that Apple’s corporate sales are being driven chiefly by iPad, which “has become a standard business tool.” The article quotes Matt Wallach, co-founder of Veeva Systems, who says: “I’ve seen a lot of devices come and go over the years. Nothing touches the speed of adoption of the iPad.” Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th... Bicycle-Riding Circus Bear Pedals Back To Natural Habitat Apple today announced financial results for its fiscal 2012 second quarter ended March 31, 2012. The Company posted quarterly revenue of $39.2 billion and quarterly net profit of $11.6 billion, or $12.30 per diluted share. These results compare to revenue of $24.7 billion and net profit of $6.0 billion, or $6.40 per diluted share, in the year-ago quarter. “We’re thrilled with sales of over 35 million iPhones and almost 12 million iPads in the March quarter,” said Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO. “The new iPad is off to a great start, and across the year you’re going to see a lot more of the kind of innovation that only Apple can deliver.” At Lowe’s stores around the country, iPhone is changing customer service for the better. Using custom iPhone apps, store employees have key product information on hand, so they can check pricing, inventory, and location of items within the store, anytime, from their iPhones. And the free consumer app features how-to videos, prices and reviews, store locations, and gift card balances. “iPhone, iPad, and the iOS platform are enterprise solutions that we can build on for the future,” says Lowe’s Executive Vice President and CIO Mike Brown. NEW YORK—A full 20 minutes after running into casual acquaintance Dan Ehrlemeyer at a CVS drugstore Wednesday and exchanging pleasant small talk with him, area man Jason Ditmas, 32, told reporters he was still really shaken up by the experience. Dear The Onion, Your review of The Avengers movie is completely off base. Jeremy Renner totally nailed Hawkeye. Jeff Hauser, Hermiston, OR